- Cereals with marshmallows in them are part of a balanced breakfast. Of course, it’s the unhealthy, sugary part. Consequently, that’s the best part. Therefore that’s the saddest part.
- My smartphone is smarter than I am. It always knows where it is. It knows how to multitask. When it doesn’t have enough energy, it flatly refuses to even wake up. Fucking smart.
- Two peas in a pod. Two peanuts in a shell. PEAnuts. Did it really take me so long to figure that one out?
- Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt, even though you have, and loving like you haven’t is what caused you to get hurt last time, but HEY… you go ahead and try it again because it’s totally gonna work this time for sure. I mean what’s the worst that could happen? A broken heart? Again? Meh.
- What’s worse than the cold realization that you need to switch from XXL to 3XL? Some days, nothing.
- It’s hard for me to talk about the Panama Canal with a straight face. Canal is too close to anal, so it becomes “Panama, see Anal.”
- If anyone remembers the days when the sky was yellow, and clouds were city-sized cockroaches intent on eating the purple sun, they should lay off the acid a bit.s
- The day I heard the sound of the color orange was the day sanity and I broke up.
DID YOU KNOW…
…that if you pour a gallon of gasoline out onto Lincoln’s head, you will gain the ability to start any Lincoln Navigator with your mind?
…that if you cover George Washington’s face with peanut butter, it will transform into the face of George Washington Carver?
…that brushing an Angel feather across Roosevelt’s nose will cause every teddy bear in the world to sneeze simultaneously?
…that playing a Jefferson Airplane song while standing on Jefferson’s head will allow you access to the secret single airplane hangar located behind his forehead?
…that if you cover George Washington Carver’s face with cherry pie filling, it will transform back into the face of George Washington?
…that playing a Jefferson Starship song while standing on Jefferson’s head will allow you access to the sentient alien scout ship housed in his mouth?
…that burning the original U.S. flag atop Mt. Rushmore will activate the Presidential Mega-Zords?
DID YOU KNOW…
…that dealing a hand of poker in Stonehenge will guarantee the dealer one (1) royal flush in every casino he ever visits?
…that being killed in Stonehenge while singing will cause you to reincarnate in the body of a former American Idol champion?
…that if a man achieves an erection while in Stonehenge he gains the ability to climax at will for the rest of his life?
…that five (5) Thalidomide Babies riding five (5) unicorns into Stonehenge will reboot the Earth?
…that Clay Aiken can often be found in Stonehenge singing requests for people to murder him?
…that burying the ashes of Gene Roddenberry in Stonehenge will turn all the triptychs into Guardians of Forever? (not a Star Trek fan? Look it up.)
…that five (5) Thalidomide Babies riding five (5) griffons into Stonehenge will reverse the direction of Earth’s rotation?
…that if a survivor of Hiroshima rides a pegasus into Stonehenge, then kills himself, Stonehenge will supply unlimited energy to the planet forever?
…that burying the frozen head of Walt Disney in Stonehenge will cause every nation’s capital to collapse into dust, and a Disney Magical Kingdom to rise from the rubble?
DID YOU KNOW…
…that pushing the Leaning Tower of Pisa to lean the other direction will turn all the water in the oceans into Hawaiian Punch?
…that inserting the Eiffel Tower into the ground at the Terrestrial South Pole will awaken the army of Abominable Snowmen sleeping below the ice?
…that Old Faithful is really just the end of a tube that Satan farts into as a joke?
…that the Bermuda Triangle is the alternate entrance to Narnia?
…that the Roman Colosseum is the Hue Adjustment dial for the sky?
…that inserting the Washington Monument into the sands beneath the Great Sphinx of Giza will awaken the hordes of Behemoth Demon Scorpions, who serve as our only defense against the Abominable Snowmen?
…that the Grand Canyon is Earth’s vagina?
Are you super fucking excited by the title of this post? Are you giddy at the thought of seeing this story done right in a feature length format? Well simmer down. It’s not a full length adaptation. What it IS, though, is a short film by Max Landis (son of film luminary John Landis) presenting an educational and…unorthodox retelling of the comic book story that shook the comic book industry, and the world, two decades ago. Watch for Elijah Wood and Simon Pegg to appear, and a surprise cameo in the final moments.
You people make me sick! I mean it. If ever there was a group of people so pathetic as to make a man break his jaw rather than speak to them, it is YOU! How your kind could ever survive without daily bludgeoning is beyond me. If it were up to me you would all somehow become dead before leaving this room; slowly, excruciatingly dispatched in a manner that makes continental drift seem like a brisk pace. Mind you, while this is happening, I will smile and grope my biblical erection.
Honestly, of all the depraved and unconscionable things a person could do you people have taken the cake and, sickeningly, eaten it too! What’s this?!? Do I hear a sniffle? Two sniffles? Come on now, I expected more from you. Considering why you’re here I would have thought it would take more to bring you to tears. Like, perhaps, visiting a righteous and unparalleled act of mutilating violence upon your collective genitals, to such a degree that God himself would wonder why he even created such a thing as genitals in the first place! Perhaps then you will have the vaguest idea of what it feels like to be a victim of child molestation!!!
This isn’t the lecture to convicted child-rapists?
Then where the hell am I? …oh
Uhh, hello. Well, my name is Simon, and I am an alcoholic. Tomorrow I’ll have 281 days. Thank you.