Cereals with marshmallows in them are part of a balanced breakfast. Of course, it’s the unhealthy, sugary part. Consequently, that’s the best part. Therefore that’s the saddest part.
My smartphone is smarter than I am. It always knows where it is. It knows how to multitask. When it doesn’t have enough energy, it flatly refuses to even wake up. Fucking smart.
Two peas in a pod. Two peanuts in a shell. PEAnuts. Did it really take me so long to figure that one out?
Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you’ve never been hurt, even though you have, and loving like you haven’t is what caused you to get hurt last time, but HEY… you go ahead and try it again because it’s totally gonna work this time for sure. I mean what’s the worst that could happen? A broken heart? Again? Meh.
What’s worse than the cold realization that you need to switch from XXL to 3XL? Some days, nothing.
It’s hard for me to talk about the Panama Canal with a straight face. Canal is too close to anal, so it becomes “Panama, see Anal.”
If anyone remembers the days when the sky was yellow, and clouds were city-sized cockroaches intent on eating the purple sun, they should lay off the acid a bit.s
The day I heard the sound of the color orange was the day sanity and I broke up.
…that pushing the Leaning Tower of Pisa to lean the other direction will turn all the water in the oceans into Hawaiian Punch?
…that inserting the Eiffel Tower into the ground at the Terrestrial South Pole will awaken the army of Abominable Snowmen sleeping below the ice?
…that Old Faithful is really just the end of a tube that Satan farts into as a joke?
…that the Bermuda Triangle is the alternate entrance to Narnia?
…that the Roman Colosseum is the Hue Adjustment dial for the sky?
…that inserting the Washington Monument into the sands beneath the Great Sphinx of Giza will awaken the hordes of Behemoth Demon Scorpions, who serve as our only defense against the Abominable Snowmen?
Are you super fucking excited by the title of this post? Are you giddy at the thought of seeing this story done right in a feature length format? Well simmer down. It’s not a full length adaptation. What it IS, though, is a short film by Max Landis (son of film luminary John Landis) presenting an educational and…unorthodox retelling of the comic book story that shook the comic book industry, and the world, two decades ago. Watch for Elijah Wood and Simon Pegg to appear, and a surprise cameo in the final moments.
Inspired by the podcast Top 5, available through Major Spoilers (find links on the right) I decided to make a poster showing what Star Wars should have looked like if it were made a few decades earlier.
You people make me sick! I mean it. If ever there was a group of people so pathetic as to make a man break his jaw rather than speak to them, it is YOU! How your kind could ever survive without daily bludgeoning is beyond me. If it were up to me you would all somehow become dead before leaving this room; slowly, excruciatingly dispatched in a manner that makes continental drift seem like a brisk pace. Mind you, while this is happening, I will smile and grope my biblical erection.
Honestly, of all the depraved and unconscionable things a person could do you people have taken the cake and, sickeningly, eaten it too! What’s this?!? Do I hear a sniffle? Two sniffles? Come on now, I expected more from you. Considering why you’re here I would have thought it would take more to bring you to tears. Like, perhaps, visiting a righteous and unparalleled act of mutilating violence upon your collective genitals, to such a degree that God himself would wonder why he even created such a thing as genitals in the first place!Perhaps then you will have the vaguest idea of what it feels like to be a victim of child molestation!!!
This isn’t the lecture to convicted child-rapists?
Then where the hell am I? …oh
Uhh, hello. Well, my name is Simon, and I am an alcoholic. Tomorrow I’ll have 281 days. Thank you.